a better way forward

Hold onto dreams
For if dreams die
Life is like a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

-Langston Hughes, "Dreams"

It's funny what a long time away from something makes you do. I haven't written in here in about two weeks and I've had a lot happen since then. The problem was, I either felt the time wasn't write to put something down here or things were happening too quickly and usually a quick verbalization of your thoughts when those kind of things happen results in you sounding like an uninformed dumbass(see my posts from 2005 :-) ).

I'll begin with poker, because that seems as ubiquitous in this blog as any other topic that I've covered. As most of you know, I had a huge score about a month back. I believe I even wrote about what happened during that session. Unfortunately, since then I wasn't able to really get anything going. I have come to the realization that I have indeed come a long way in the year and a half that I've really taken poker seriously, but I have a long way to go. Every great pro will tell you with a smile that "they have been broke a million times." Poker is one of the few professions(no, poker is not and will not be my job) where you can rise from obscurity to fame and back into obsurity in a quick span. For me to stay on top and play at a level that I need to in order to win consistently, I'll need to vastly improve my game and learn better emotional discipline. The first comes with experience and the second with maturation, two things that go hand in hand. For now, I think I need a break from that lifestyle. I came to this conclusion as I was flipping through the channels saturday night and saw the first PPT final table on the Discovery Channel and I flew by it thinking "If I watch this, I am going to be so bored!" This is definitely not the right mind set to have if you are going to play anything resembling winning poker. I think that with every hobby that a person dedicates time to they have to have these "soul searching" moments so to speak, especially when times get rough.

In terms of my personal life, things are changing as well. Anyone that has read this for a decent amount of time knows that I don't like to delve too far into things personally, so I'll give you a somewhat rough sketch of what's happening. A very good friend of mine has descended into the "I'm madly in love with my girlfriend" stage that he goes into routinely enough. It upsets me because he more or less neglects every one around him when this kind of thing happens. I have always been one who said that when you meet someone that you really like it is okay to put them ahead of your friends on the depth chart. However, that doesn't mean that you need to completely eliminate everyone else.

Another thing that I've realized about my writing is that I hardly ever write something original. This is because for the most part, I'm scared what people might think when I stop writing like someone else and start being myself. It's easy to rip on a friend to get a few good laughs, but how many friends will actually stand up for another friend when someone starts tearing that person apart? We walk a fine line between jabbing at someone and throwing the knockout punch with our words; and often it's a line that we tend to jump over easily.

The crux of this post, however, I wanted to focus on the title. This weekend, I had some time to think about all the things that I've done in my life so far. The list isn't too full, but I have definitely accomplished some things. As usual, I got to thinking about what the future had in store for me and realized that the time had come to stop dreaming about those things and start actually turning them into reality. Countless times at night I have dreamed about the many things that I want to do in life and now all that's left is to start acting upon those things. I have always envisioned myself making a decent amount of money somewhere in the business world and being a person pretty accustomed to travel. Next, at some point I want everything to slow down and be able to get married and start a family(like every other person in the world). Also, I so badly want to play in a big buyin tournament in the WSOP or WPT. By far this will be the most difficult goal because I want to do by either winning a satellite or building a bankroll high enough to sustain a 10k buyin. At this moment, I realized that in my little fantasies so to speak, I only saw myself holding up the cash. I never saw myself grinding out thousands of hours beforehand to get there or long days at the tournaments(coupled with massive amounts of luck) to get to the final table. In everything else in life- school, work, friendships, I've never seen that there was no clear end to the journey. Coincidentally, I've been pretty successful at all three of these things. On the other hand, with things such as relationships and poker I've always thought that there would be a happy go lucky ride to the top ending in perpetual glamour(moving in together/marriage or winning big in a cash game/in a big tourney). Through 19 years I've come to this conclusion: the things that we do indeed fail because we are looking way too far ahead. Not only that, but sometimes we have to put in a lot of time in these things because although we might like them, we aren't necessarily genetically gifted in these areas. You're going to "go broke" a million times during your lifetime, but the important thing is how quickly you get back in the game.

To conclude, I've selected a poem by Thylias Moss called Tornados. Very fitting to end this post if you ask me.

Tornados
By: Thylias Moss

Truth is, I envy them
not because they dance; I out jitterbug them
as I'm shuttled through and through legs
strong as looms, weaving time. They
do black more justice than I, frenzy
of conductor of philharmonic and electricity, hair
on end, result of the charge when horns and strings release
the pent up Beethoven and Mozart. Ions played

instead of notes. The movement
is not wrath, not hormone swarm because
I saw my first forming above the church a surrogate
steeple. The morning of my first baptism and
salvation already tangible, funnel for the spirit
coming into me without losing a drop, my black
guardian angel come to rescue me before all the words

get out, I looked over Jordan and what did I see coming for
to carry me home. Regardez, it all comes back, even the first
grade French, when the tornado stirs up the past, bewitched spoon
lost in its own spin, like a rouletter wheel that won't
be steered, like the world. They drove me underground,
tornado watches and warnings, atomic bomb drills. Adult
storms so I had to leave the room. Truth is

the tornado is a perfect nappy curl, tightly wound,
spinning wildly whne I try to tamper with its nature, shunning
the hot comb and pressing oil even though if absolutely straight
I'd have the longest hair int he world. Bouffant tornadic
crown taking the royal path on a trip to town, stroll down
Tornado Alley where it intersects Memory Lane. Smoky spirit-
clouds, shadowns searching for what cast them.



mh